Tag Archives: recovery

Our Beautiful Buried Selves

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how submerged I felt growing up – the fact that I was gay but not ready to be out, that my father had a secret job we never talked about (he was in the CIA), and the trauma of losing my mother to breast cancer in my junior year. It all left me numb and lost. I had a huge backlog of feelings that I needed to get to but no idea how to get to them. When I look back on this submerged girl self, I see someone waiting to heal, waiting to find the shore of wholeness. A few years into college, I started to see a therapist, someone who helped me learn the strange language of naming feelings and understanding myself. As I get ready to go to my high school reunion, I know it may feel strange to be back at the place I felt so lost. As l step onto campus with its manicured lawns, I’ll think of  the girl who labored beneath her mask of “everything is fine.” She got past this mask eventually, got to her real feelings and named them, but she is the one who got me through those hard times and who got me to the beauty and gift of now. In fact, I use her strength and fortitude everyday. And everyday I’m grateful.